“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -
We are so excited to be expecting a miracle baby this Christmas! The truth, however, is that it has been a really difficult journey through the fire getting to where we are now. A journey of loss and sorrow as we mourned three more precious babies (which means four overall) who were taken home to heaven long before we ever got to meet them. A journey filled with many tears, fears, heartaches, confusion, and testing. Scary diagnosis’, terrifying words like secondary infertility, repeat pregnancy loss, in-vitro fertilization, and scary statistics. And though it was difficult; really, really difficult—Brandon and I both feel that we have truly come out of the fire refined. And we have learned through it all- that God is faithful. He is ALWAYS faithful. Even when the answer is no. Even in the silence and confusion.
This baby is a miracle. And the story of this baby was written long before it was formed within my womb. And with each chapter of this amazing story, God has allowed us to learn some incredible lessons. So here are some of the amazing truths we learned in the fire. May we be faithful to allow them to continue to change us for the better, and to share them with our children as they grow.
1. The Purpose of Pain
“Yes Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and reknown are the desires of our hearts.” - Isaiah 26:8
In the beginning of our journey, before I could even fathom the path before us, but while I was still reeling from our second miscarriage and the seeming injustice of it all, God gently began reminding me words from a sermon Pastor Gregg had taught some time before about pain, and the reality that God does not waste pain. God began to remind me that almost ALL of the people He greatly uses, including King David, Paul, Noah, John and even modern day greats like Stephen Curtis Chapman, Angie Smith, and Pastor Greg, had been wounded very greatly. And I acknowledged in my journal that though I HATED the difficult, sorrowful season of life and deeply wanted to be out of the dark cave, I also knew that God was using this time to shape, grow, and mature Brandon and I. In January I wrote: “I remain convinced that He has an awesome story He is going to make out of this painful journey. In many ways it is an honor to be called aside to be groomed into being used for a specific purpose in God’s kingdom.”
I still don’t know exactly what that story will be, but I know that He will use this painful season and it will not go to waste. This season, the pain, and the suffering was for HIS glory, and OUR refinement and growth.
2. Idols
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” -Psalms 90:12
One of the most poignant lessons I have learned during our journey this past year is how easy it is to allow things to become idols in our lives. Even good, Godly desires, when left unchecked, can take control of our lives and rob of us what is MOST important.
After our second miscarriage, we found ourselves struggling to conceive. For the first time ever, my Dr. had us start charting. Now, anyone who has ever TRIED for a baby, like really, really tried, can confirm that daily fertility charting opens up a whole new level of obsession in the wanting a baby mindset. Now it’s not only a small window of time to think about getting pregnant—it becomes something you obsess over EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Add to that the obsession that comes from having been pregnant without carrying a baby to term, and we were pretty ripe for a full-on, exhausting baby-wanting obsession. We quickly found ourselves launched into a huge, frustrating waiting game —waiting for ovulation, waiting for the temps to confirm ovulation, waiting until a test can be taken, then waiting for either a positive test or Mother Nature to reveal herself. And THEN starting the process all over again the next month! For many months.
It did not take long before I found myself ‘wishing’ the time away, rather than enjoying each God given day as it was presented. Not to mention treasuring the time I was given with the two precious girls I did have- girls that were at very fun and very fleeting ages, I might add! After almost six months of this, we were exhausted, disappointed, and frustrated. And during the madness of it, I heard God whispering to me that I was taking a very natural and God-given desire—the desire to expand my family, and turning it into a full blown idol. And, not only had I created an idol, I had also wasted some precious time with the babies He HAD given me here on this earth. So, Brandon found me sobbing on the bed one night, and sat me down and talked to me, and then prayed with me for us both to be able to give our ideas of what our family should/would look like over to God for His plan. For me, that meant being ok if our family was complete as it was. And being ok with God’s timing.
The words from Jimmy Needham’s song, “Clear the Stage” so often ring true for us all: “Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
Anything that I give all my all my love is an idol”
3. A Sacrifice of Thanksgiving
“I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD.” –Psalms 116:17
It seems weird to think of Thanksgiving as a sacrifice- thanksgiving is often something we think to do when our hearts are full and we recognize God’s abundant blessings in our lives. But in reality, thanksgiving is something we are called to offer in ALL circumstances, just as Job was able to say “The Lord gives, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” God has showed me during this journey that we can CHOOSE to have thankful hearts despite the circumstances, hearts that trust that He is ALWAYS good, even when we don’t understand Him or His ways, even when the circumstances seem crushing.
It is in these moments- the heart-wrenching moments of great pain, grief, confusion, and chaos, that we come to understand how Thanksgiving can feel like a sacrifice. I know that it can be hard—SO hard, to thank Him for a circumstance that at the time brings crushing pain. And yet—this is a choice we can make.
Shortly before our third loss we learned that my initial lab-work on the new pregnancy did not look very hopeful. We spent the week on our knees crying out to God, believing Him for a miracle, and reaching out to faithful prayer warriors around us to call out on our behalf. Before I called the nurse to learn the results of the repeat lab-work to confirm a loss or a sustained pregnancy, I remember silently begging God to allow me to hang up the phone praising Him—and I instantly heard that I could praise Him either way. Ultimately I hung up the phone that day broken-hearted and devastated—and my heart which so wanted to shout angry words, remembered my promise to praise Him regardless of the outcome, so I got on my knees and thanked Him for His sovereign choice. A choice I didn’t want. A choice I didn’t understand.
We cannot see the future. Who knows what future calamities God is sparing us from—or who knows what awesome Kingdom work He intends for us? We have to keep trusting that He is ALWAYS good—and make the choice to have grateful hearts and to recognize and celebrate the abundant blessings we already have. I have learned that there is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for, and that we have the CHOICE to choose to offer Thanksgiving and praise, trusting that He is still faithful and His plan for us is always good. God truly spoke to my heart during that time, teaching me to again to “number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” -Psalms 90:12 By choosing a grateful heart I was able to focus not on what I didn’t have, but on what I DID have, and to be grateful for all of the many, many great blessings in my life.
4. Even If
“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” -Daniel 3:16-18
There are two parts of this verse that especially spoke to me during our journey through the fire. The first is the simple acknowledgement that God is able. Yes—He can save us from even this. Of course “nothing is impossible with God”. (Luke 1:37) He spoke the stars into being and calls them each by name. (Isaiah 40:26). He created us and numbered the very hairs on our heads. (Matthew 10:30). He is big enough. He can. He is able. There is no room for any doubt of His ability.
But—what if he doesn’t? What is God says no? What if the loved one still dies, or the pregnancy still ends, and the lab reports spell disaster? What if the three are thrown into the furnace and He doesn’t rescue them?
Even if…
Even then, they will worship Him, praise Him, and know that He is still good. And that He works ALL things together for good. (Romans 8:28). Afterall, He said no to his own son in the garden. He did that for us—and he did that for the great glory that was to come from it. He knew. He could see the big picture. And He knew the future glory far outweighed the cost and pain set before His precious son. The great truth is that we don't have to understand, we just have to know that He is still good. Even now.
Even if. Even then.
5. Not for a Moment
I love this song from Meredith Andrews and how perfectly is sums up our journey!
"Not For A Moment (After All)"
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Perhaps the greatest lesson we learned over the past year, is that God truly was and is faithful—through it all. He was right there—orchestrating everything, holding us up, and carrying us forward. Even when He seemed silent. Even when we didn’t get our miracle. Even when the answer was ‘not yet.’
After our third miscarriage Brandon and I sought the help of a fertility expert. He did a gamut of tests, and confirmed my OB’s grim prognosis for the future of our family. My OB had told me that he thought I could still ‘get’ pregnant, but that I should probably expect “2 or 3 more miscarriages” before conceiving a healthy baby. The RE was more direct and simply suggested he ‘pick’ the right egg via In-Vitro Fertilization with pre-implementation genetic testing (IVF with PGD) to avoid further loss. The trouble was, due to my medical condition, it seemed likely we would only get 1 good egg, so we had one shot of getting it right. 1 shot at roughly $15,000. And Dr. Google would have me believe that my chances of conceiving naturally were somewhere in the 1-5% category.
In the end Brandon and I prayed and did not feel like God was leading us to IVF for a variety of personal reasons. We opted to simply leave the matters in God’s hands and trust Him with the outcome. And—as luck would have it, we ‘miraculously’ conceived that very month! In my heart I just KNEW this was our miracle baby—our ticket out of the cave and the end of our difficult journey. And initially, it sure looked like the pregnancy was going the right direction. But we were shocked and saddened at our 7-week ultrasound to realize that the pregnancy had stopped developing, and we sadly said goodbye to yet another baby on Christmas Eve of last year.
I left that surgery feeling absolutely and completely forsaken. Betrayed. Abandoned. We had chosen to trust God over science— and it would seem that we had chosen wrong. And yet…
Weeks later when the genetic report on the baby came back, my Dr. stood in the room flabbergasted—the baby had tested chromosomally healthy. As healthy as any egg the Dr. would have been able to ‘pick’. While it had SEEMED that God had forsaken us—in reality He had graciously and lovingly spared us from a very expensive and arguably more emotionally difficult miscarriage. He had a different plan for our family, and He was simply asking us to trust Him.
6. His Eye is on the Sparrow
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” –Matthew 10:28-31
Following our December loss, Brandon and I were left with no reason for our losses, which ultimately was both a tremendous comfort, and a terribly unsettling fear. We were left to decide how to proceed going forward, knowing for sure now that IVF was no longer a good option and our history was less than promising. I am sure many people wondered why we would even consider trying again and putting our family through the potential emotional trauma. But for me the answer was clear: God had not told me ‘No’ yet. It’s true that he hadn’t said ‘yes’ either, but I just couldn’t give up on my God-given dream before I heard Him speak. So Brandon and I found ourselves on the edge of the bed once again, wondering how we should proceed. Finally Brandon lovingly took my hand and prayed to God that He would reveal His hand—and either bless us with the conception of a healthy baby, or allow no conception at all. And we bravely walked forward allowing God’s hand. No charting. No tracking. Just trusting. And two weeks later we held a positive hpt in our hand.
Throughout the early, anxiety-filled weeks of this pregnancy, God laid Matthew 10:28-31 on my heart, reminding me that if He cares so intimately for the little sparrows, how much more did He care for my precious child?!! And I knew that this child’s story was written long before they came into being—so I could only trust God’s plan for us all, even if it didn’t go as I wanted.
And appointment after appointment, we were overjoyed to see that He continued to faithfully knit this precious little one together perfectly within me. At halfway through the pregnancy, we see God’s hand all over our family, and we anxiously await the day we can hug and kiss this tiny one. And we wait in joy knowing that God has a perfect story already written for this little miracle—and we get to be a part! We are so thankful!
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If you have struggled through pregnancy loss, infertility, secondary infertility, or other medical trials, I want you to know that there is HOPE. That God is a God who sees and cares. And that you are not alone. I know—believe me I know-- how lonely walking through the fire can be. Please feel free to reach out to me. I will be there to listen or to simply cry alongside you as you walk forward on the unique journey God has planned for you.
In loving memory of our four perfect, precious babies who have traveled to glory before us. Each one of you were celebrated, cherished, and are dearly loved. We cannot wait to hold you in heaven!
“And to think, the first thing they saw when they opened their little eyes was the face of their Savior.” -Unknown
